Dantenetta
by Soldier's Shadow
Summary: Dante and Bayonetta now live in peace with each other but there's still one thing missing and that's the return of dignity. Will Dante regain it or will this drag on further until he does? WARNING: Contains OOC-ness!
1. Well Matched Rivals

**AN: Hey readers! See, I'm not dead because if I was I wouldn't be giving you guys this fun little piece! Well this is a DMC fic but it also includes a special guest! A special guest who's now one of my favorite characters ever along with Snake and Dante! You'll see her in action so I don't have to explain anything.**

**Go on and enjoy!

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"I'm telling you, give me my damn pizza!"

"And I'm telling you that you're not getting even a single slice until you pay up your tab!"

Dante slammed his palm on the counter, his temper boiling over the pizza man's refusal to give him pizza. Today had started out just like any other day for Dante; he woke up, killed a few demons, texted crude messages to Lady under Nero's name and to top it all off he went to get a pizza from his favorite pizzeria, Andy's.

Andy wasn't in the mood for Dante's shit today so he decided to be a _good worker _today by charging Dante for all of his unpaid for pizzas. Everyone's favorite devil hunter though had no money to pay up…as usual. So now Dante was going to try and argue for his pizzas, hoping he could outsmart Andy. Good luck Dante, you'll need it.

"Come on, I've been coming here for years now and now you decide to charge me!?" Dante yelled at his once favorite pizza shop owner.

"Yes and over those years you've racked up a total debt of ten thousand, four hundred and eighty seven dollars," Andy replied, turning the register to Dante, showing the said debt. "So you pay up or no more pizzas for you!"

"Don't you have like super-hero discount or something? I've saved this city like…a million times!" the half-devil said, now believing that would win him this battle of wills. A mental victory parade started up in Dante's head. Hold your horses now young son of Sparda, victory isn't yours yet.

"Oh you can save the city a million times but you can't pay up your debt?" Andy questioned, bringing Dante's parade to a halt.

Dante was at a loss of words. He opened his mouth to say something but as quickly as it opened, it closed. The devil hunter whirled away from Andy for a second to think up a plan to get his pizza. Knowing Dante this plan would involve violence and loud noise.

"Alright Mr. Andy, I think it's time I use my trump to get my pizza," Dante spoke smoothly as he turned back to Andy, a malicious grin on his face. Andy just crossed his arms defiantly in response. Dante's hands went into his coat and when they came out, they were holding two handguns.

"Mr. Andy I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Ebony and his wife Mrs. Ivory. Say hi you two!" Dante told his handguns before waving them in front of Andy's face. "You see, my friends here are starving too and they'd like more than anything than to eat up. Unlike your truly though, they get real ornery and violent when they're hungry so unless you don't want to end up in pieces, I suggest you feed us and forget we ever had this friendly little conversation. Capiche?"

Andy began to sweat profoundly as he looked at Dante's pistols and imagined them snarling like angry attack dogs. The though almost made Andy wet himself. Faster then lightning, Andy whipped out a box of pizza and tossed it to Dante before running out the front door screaming wildly.

Dante laughed triumphantly as he watched Andy run away screaming. "I love you two," the half-devil stated to his guns before planting a kiss on Ivory. Ebony fired in response. "Alright, alright, I'll leave your wife alone...cold violent bastard," Dante grumbled before putting the two guns away.

The victorious devil hunter made his way over to a vacant table and put his pizza down. He opened the box and took out a slice of his hard earned pizza. Time seemed to slow down as Dante slowly took a bite. "Where have you been all my life?"

Poor Dante, he eats the same pizza every single day and he still pretends it's the first time. Poor, sad Dante.

"What the fuck do you mean the car's been totaled again!? What did I tell you, that damn car belongs to me, so you shouldn't even be thinking about touching the damn thing!"

"That voice…" Dante exclaimed to himself before turning to see a short fat man dressed like a wannabe Italian mobster yelling into a cell phone. Dante let out a surprised gasp. "Enzo Ferino, is that you!?"

Dante got out of his seat and went over to the short fat man, who was still yelling into his phone, and playfully smacked him in the back of his head causing him to hit his face on the table. "Enzo pal, it's been like forever since we've seen each other! You even face plant the way you used to in the old days," Dante sighed as he reminisced about the 'golden days' when he'd when he would purposely trip Enzo just to see him face plant. "Good times. Good times."

Enzo reluctantly turned to face his old 'friend'. "Umm…hey Dante. I uh…thought you were out of my life. Forever," the fat man stammered, saying the last part quietly. Oh how glad he was when Dante suddenly disappeared but now all hell was going to break loose with him back. Enzo shuttered at the thought.

"I was pal, I was!" Now I'm back though and we could catch up and relive the glory days!" the half-devil beamed. Too bad to Dante the definition of glory days was different to Enzo who saw the glory days as the dark days. Dante sat down on the seat across from Enzo with his pizza. "So, how about you give me a job for old times' sake?"

"Well you see Dante; we haven't seen each other in so long and over those years, well…I found someone else!" Enzo finished, quickly bringing his arms up to defend himself from anything.

Dante began to choke and gag on his pizza upon hearing this. He fell out of his seat and began gagging and convulsing on the floor, looking as if he was having a seizure. At last the stray pizza particle fell out of his mouth. He slowly crawled back up onto the table and gave Enzo a deranged look. "YOU REPLACED ME!?"

"Well, its like-," Enzo didn't get a chance to explain before Dante began ranting.

"Aww how can you do this to me Enzo!? We've known each other for so long and then you go and replace me! I know why; it's because you weren't included in the games but only the novels isn't it!?" the devil hunter shouted, pointing a finger accusingly at Enzo.

"Wait, what?" There Dante goes, breaking the sacred fourth wall.

"And who'd you replace me for, huh? Some bald guy with temper issues or a stupid silent ninja!? I bet he's a wannabe compared to me! What's this bastard's name?"

"Actually, _she's_ coming our way right now," Enzo stated as he looked past Dante.

"Hey there boys!" a loud voice called to Dante and Enzo. The devil hunter turned his head to see a woman wearing a pair of glasses dressed in black clothes that matched her raven hair which was styled in a beehive. The woman strolled towards them in a haughty manner.

Dante whirled back to Enzo, his mouth a gap and the only thing coming out was absolute gibberish. The woman just went past him and took a seat at their table. "So Enzo got any more wimps for me to take care of?"

"Nah Bayonetta, that's all ol Enzo's got for today," the fat man replied as he leaned back in his seat. Dante moped over to him and sputtered more gibberish. "Oh right; Bayonetta this here's Dante. Dante meet your replacement!" Enzo introduced the two, a wide grin on his face. He was going to get Dante back for all those times he's caused him grief and physical harm and most of all for coming back into his life.

Revenge was going to be sweet.

"Charmed," the woman known as Bayonetta greeted as she offered him a seductive smile.

"Yeah, whatever…" Dante snorted as he turned his back to Bayonetta, a pout on his face.

"What's the matter; are your breeches a bit too tight for you?" the witch asked as she moved closer to the pouting Dante, her eyes twinkling. "Maybe you'll feel better if I loosen them for you."

"Hmph, keep your sexual comments to yourself!" Dante responded, still not turning to Bayonetta. He quickly made a mental note to reconsider her offer for a later date.

Bayonetta just shrugged before reverting her attention back to Enzo. "So Enzo, shall I regal you with an anecdote of my little fun run?"

Dante just shrugged his shoulders. "I can use big words too…" he grumbled to himself. Come on Dante, be a little more mature.

"So there I was; cornered in an alleyway, surrounded on all sides by _blood thirsty_ angels!" Bayonetta began as she propped her feet up on the table.

"Hmph angels, they aren't so tough. I mean what are they going to do; play you a song on their harps?" Dante snickered at his own joke as he crossed his arms.

"That's when I pulled out the girls here and we took care of them all quickly and…_painfully_," the witch finished. She then planted a kiss on one of the Scarborough Fair. The other three pistols began to shake wildly, as if they wanted her to kiss them too. "Don't worry, there's enough Bayonetta for everyone!"

Dante pulled out Ebony and Ivory and looked pleadingly at them. "Either of you want some of Dante?" Ebony pointed itself at Dante's head in response. Apparently Ebony wasn't willing to let Dante anywhere near it's wife again. The half-devil sighed before putting the guns away. "Now you know why I like Rebellion better."

Now all 'down in the dumps' now, Dante took a slice from his pizza. "At least you still appreciate me," he told the pizza before closing his eyes and taking a bite…out of his hand.

"Wow, the pizza tastes different today," Dante commented before opening his eyes to find his hand in his mouth and the pizza missing. The half-devil looked frantically around for his lost slice and when he found it his heart shattered.

His beloved pizza was in the hands…of that _witch_! Feeling a rage stronger than Rebellion, Yamato and Force Edge rolled into one, Dante's final nerve snapped s he watched Bayonetta devour his pizza and go as far as lick the sauce off of her finger tips. She was going to pay!

"_THAT'S IT!_" Dante roared, drawing the attention of Enzo and many bystanders. Bayonetta looked to the raging half-devil, a look of feigned innocence on her face. "First you come along and steal my friend. Then you waltz over here and gloat about your accomplishments and act as if we care! To top it all off, you…ate…my…PIZZA!" Dante growled as he slammed his palms down on the table.

"My, my aren't we being a little immature?" Bayonetta responded coolly as she put her arms around her head. Messing with this Dante character proved to be more fun than she possibly could've imagined.

"Dammit stop playing mind games!" Dante snapped as he narrowed his eyes at the witch. "If you insist on playing games though, how about we settle this with a little 'game'?

"Oh, you don't mean…."

"Yeah, I mean…"

"Holy shit! I gotta get the fuck out of here! I ain't ready to die yet!" Enzo shrieked before jumping out of his seat and make a run for the exit before the whole pizzeria came down on him. The fate would not fall upon the pizzeria…not today at least.

"ANGEL ATTACK!" Dante and Bayonetta declared simultaneously before running towards the arcade machine in the corner of the restaurant, shoving a little kid away from the machine. The little boy just cried and went to tell his mommy that two supposed grown ups took his game away.

So their game began…and ended all in the course of five minutes, ending with Bayonetta having three thousand points and Dante having the incredible score of five. The only reason he got those points was because Bayonetta had accidentally pressed his switch by accident giving him those points.

Maybe if he hadn't been whining about how the game didn't have a Dante character, he could've won. But alas Dante is Dante.

"I demand a rematch!" Dante shouted as he waved his arms around like a frustrated child.

"Do you really want to lose twice in a row?" Bayonetta asked, a mocking smirk forming on her lips. Dante just began ranting and complaining to himself about he was cheated.

"You know I can see why you and Enzo are both such great friends; you're both whiners. Perhaps I should introduce you to a little cat named Cheshire, he's a whiner too. Maybe after I introduce you two, you can whine about me together."

Dante glared at Bayonetta, one of his eyes twitching giving him the look of a deranged serial killer. "Alright then, let's take this outside so then we can settle this like men or in your case a woman…if that's what you really are?"

"I don't know, are you?"

Dante growled angrily and pointed at the front door. "Outside…NOW!"

"Alright, ladies first," Bayonetta performed a mock bow and stepped to the side for Dante.

The half-devil began grumbling again under his breath as he left the pizzeria, Ebony and ivory in his hands. See now that we're out here; I won't have to embarrass you in front of-," Dante stopped when he heard the door's lock click behind him. Dante turned back to see Bayonetta on the other side of the glass door waving at him, a smug smile on her face.

"Hey I thought we were going to fight like women -er I mean men! Dammit, see you're using mind games again!" Dante accused Bayonetta as he pounded on the glass door. The raven haired witch blew him a kiss before turning on her heel and walked away.

"Don't you walk away from me!" the half-devil called to Bayonetta but to no avail. "That's it; I'm calling in the cavalry!" Dante declared before letting out a loud whistle. "Yeah, you just wait until Rebellion gets here!"

As Dante waited for the 'cavalry' to arrive, he noticed reappear in front of the door…with a box of pizza in her hands. She opened the box and took out a steaming hot slice of pizza.

"No, NO!" Dante begged futilely as he watched the witch slowly, oh so _slowly, _take a bite out of the pizza, causing Dante to scream in horror. He pounded violently on the glass as he watched her come close to the door.

Bayonetta held the slice of pizza out and waved it in front of Dante's face. "You want it, don't you?" she whispered quietly before she took another bite drawing another cry from Dante. "Mhmm…tasty."

"DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!" the devil hunter roared as he began to pound the glass even harder. Suddenly Dante got struck in the back of the head but something hard. He slowly reached around and pulled the object to his face. "R-Rebellion? Not you too!"

First Ebony was trying to kill him and now Rebellion strikes him down. Dante's weapons just didn't like him today.

The half-devil slowly slid down the glass thanks to Rebellion's betrayal. Bayonetta followed him down the glass. As his vision betrayed him too, he saw the witch wink mockingly at him before leaving him.

_"This…isn't over!"_

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**AN: Okay this is my first fic in like two months and my first humor in like…a really long time. There are probably a few problems here and there but that's because I'm still getting back into writing after getting out of a nasty block. So if there are any problems, please point them out so I can correct them! I'm normally not too good with humor fics but I looked to my two favorite humor authors for inspiration; ShyAnon and Opengunner! If wither of you see this then I'd like to say thanks for the help!**

**Don't forget to leave a review! **

**It feels good to be back! **


	2. Hell's Sonata

**AN: Alright I got part II for Dantenetta here! Not much to say outside of enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters; they belong to Platinum Games and Capcom.

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"And then she just left! I mean, who the hell does she think she is!? Stealing my friend, my pizza AND my dignity!"

"Wow, sounds rough old man".

Here we find our hero Dante complaining to his less impressive sidekick Nero about his humiliation earlier in the day to the evil witch, as he put it, known as Bayonetta. As Dante continued to complain, the two wandered aimlessly through the streets.

It's not their fault though, Dante's currently fuming over his defeat earlier in the day and can't think straight, or at all, and Nero lacks the backbone to interrupt the devil hunter.

"Y'know, I'm so pissed off right now, I could use a drink," Dante grumbled as he continued his destination-less trek through the streets. "I tell ya kid, I'd drink to the point where I'd get so drunk that I would forget I was actually hanging out with you".

"Yeah, then I'd have to carry your drunk ass home! Hopefully you'd get so drunk that you get alcohol poisoning and then I could drop you off in a cemetery!" Nero snapped back. It looks like Nero's got a spine after-all.

"Talk about mood swings. Did you ever think of getting help with that?"

"You were just saying-"

"Hey this place looks promising! 'The Hell's Gates'," Dante interjected, looking up at the establishment's neon sign. "This sounds like a bar to me!" Dante declared before heading for the entrance. He was opening the door when he noticed Nero wasn't following him. "What the hell are you waiting for, Christmas? Come on!"

Nero sighed in defeat, realizing there was no convincing his friend otherwise. "If you knock yourself out from drinking I'm leaving you there!" he muttered to himself before going after Dante.

The interior of the bar looked like that of any other seedy bar, dimly lit and filled with the stench of cheap cologne and stale cigarettes. This didn't bother Dante though considering his shop smelt practically the same. Nero, on the other hand was not, probably due to his lack of manliness.

"Ah this place reeks!" Nero exclaimed, covering his nose and mouth with his hand. "Couldn't you have picked a place that smelt less like…putrid?"

"Come on kid, a bar's a bar!" Dante told his sidekick while he went over to the counter and took a seat. He waved for Nero to join him. "Come on kid, I'll pay for your drink. You're twenty-one right?"

Hold on a moment; did Dante just say he was going to PAY for himself AND Nero? With what money? Dante never has money for anything! This probably going to end with our favorite devil hunter forming another debt. It seems he just never learns.

The younger half-devil shrugged. "I'm not sure; the creators never gave me an age." It appears Nero possesses the ability to penetrate the fourth wall as well! Maybe he'll upgrade from less impressive sidekick to slightly impressive sidekick.

"Okay, you're twenty-one!" Dante said before banging to the counter to call the bartender. Buying alcohol for possible minors, that's a new low Dante.

A shady, dark skinned man popped up on the other side of the counter, seemingly out of the floor. Nero gasped and fell out off his stool in surprise. "What can I get you fine gents?"

"Give me and my pal here some of your hardest liquor," Dante responded, setting his elbow down on the counter and giving the bartender his most charming smile. Dante should realize his 'charm' doesn't affect shady bartenders nor would it get him free drinks.

"He twenty-one?" the bartender questioned, jerking a thumb in Nero's direction. Who just got back onto his stool. The red clad devil hunter just shrugged. "Close enough," the bartender took out two bottles of hard liquor out from under the counter and gave it to Dante and Nero. "Oh and you two might want to change your seats. My best customers sit there".

"Well I don't see anyone else here, so these seats are ours," Dante exclaimed as he downed his liquor.

"Oh Rodin!"

Dante spit the alcohol out of his mouth before whirling around to see his newest foe, the evil witch Bayonetta! "YOU!" the devil hunter yelled, pointing accusingly at his nemesis. Another woman, this one clad in red, joined Bayonetta. "Oh no she can multiply!"

"Ack, Rodin what are these filthy little urchins doing in our seats?" Bayonetta asked the Hell's Gates proprietor as she made her way over to the counter, Jeanne in tow.

"I told 'em those seats belonged to my best customers," Rodin replied gruffly while shining a glass. When he finished shining, he slammed his palm down on the counter. "Alright assholes, take a hike!"

Dante crossed his arms defiantly and shook his head. "I don't think so. We aren't giving up our seats to those witches, we've got our rights!" Not in this bar Dante. Actually nowhere outside of Devil May Cry land did Dante have rights.

Bayonetta sighed as she cracked her knuckles. "You force my hand then, devil-boy!" The devil hunter just laughed insultingly at the witch to which she smirked. "Don't say I didn't warn you!" With that, Bayonetta grabbed Dante by the collar of his coat and tossed him across the bar.

"Hey you can't do that to Dante!" Nero said in Dante's defense as he got off his stool and stood before Bayonetta. She just grabbed Nero and tossed him after Dante. The younger half-devil crashed right on top of his friend, who was getting up off the ground.

"Now that that's done," Bayonetta began as she dusted her hands off and made a mental note to disinfect them later. She took a seat on the stool Dante had been sitting on before and patted the other stool's cushion, signaling for Jeanne to join her. "Come now Jeanne, I've removed the urchins".

"I take it those two are friends of yours, Cereza?" Jeanne asked while taking a seat in Nero's stool.

"No not friends," Bayonetta replied before banging the counter to tell Rodin to give them the usual. "I prefer the term 'idiotic acquaintances' instead".

"I'm sure Enzo was just an acquaintance too but now look, he's your _friend!_" Dante spat from the other side of the bar. "Well you're not going to get the chance to steal anyone else from me. Get behind me Nero!"

"Don't you think that's a bit-?"

"GET BEHIND ME NERO!"

"Alright, alright I'll get behind you," Nero relented, getting behind the devil hunter. So much for that backbone he had earlier.

"I think that term's much more fitting on second thought," Jeanne said as she turned back to Bayonetta, who was taking as many shots as possible. "Cereza, don't you think you're drinking a bit much?"

Bayonetta shook her head and took another shot. "Rodin fixed the karaoke machine and I have to be as drunk as possible if I want to do it right". This was met with laughter from the other side of the bar. The witches turned to see Dante and Nero laughing their asses off. "What are you morons laughing at?"

"You're going to sing? While drunk? That's priceless!" Dante laughed, leaning on Nero's shoulder for support. "Hey you might get lucky tonight kid!" he told Nero, giving him a friendly punch in the arm.

"Yeah maybe. If she isn't singing!" Nero blurted out, causing him and Dante to laugh harder. Maturity in its finest right here.

Bayonetta shied away, her face flushed red due to embarrassment. It must be because she isn't sober. A sober Bayonetta wouldn't have been bothered by this, instead she would've made a witty, insulting comment and then feed the idiots, Dante and Nero, to her hair.

That's why Jeanne's here though.

"Haven't you dolts ever heard the term 'Don't judge a book by its cover'? Though I reckon neither have you have opened a book in your lifetimes, let alone touch one!" Jeanne snapped at the still cackling half-devils. She put a hand on Bayonetta's shoulder. "Cereza happens to have a wonderful voice."

"Yeah of course you'd know, considering she probably sings you drunken lesbian show tunes!" Dante shot back, laughing at his own comeback like an idiot.

"Ha ha, good one old man!" Nero congratulated before high fiving Dante.

Jeanne's face turned completely with rage after hearing Dante's crude remark. "Why you vulgar little MOTHERFUCKER!" she yelled, jumping out of her seat and kicking the stool over. Jeanne was going to tear Dante and Nero limb from limb but Bayonetta grabbed her collar to stop her.

"No Jeanne. He's right," Bayonetta stated, turning to her red-clad friend. Jeanne gave her an incredulous look and began wondering if Bayonetta might have drank a little too much.

"After all, he knows exactly what he's talking about. Just take a look at his little 'boy-toy'," This comment immediately stopped Dante and Nero's laughter and caused them to take a step away from each other.

"Why of course!" Jeanne said smoothly, looking to Dante and Nero with a smirk. "I should've noticed it before!"

"Hey, even if I was gay, I wouldn't be gay with Nero!" Dante stated in his defense, rather than his and Nero's.

"Yeah!" Nero backed his friend up. He gave a quick thought to what Dante said though. "Wait, what?"

Before a completely immature 'dissing' war began, Rodin smashed a beer bottle on the counter to get their attention. "I just happened to be listening in on your chatter and I figured out a way you four can settle this little scuffle".

"Elaborate bartender!" Dante demanded, pointing a finger rudely at Rodin, who just threw a bottle at him.

"You two deadbeats claim my baby's got a bad voice, but how 'bout you two give proof to your claim by beating her and her friend in a karaoke battle! Winner gets the best stools and all the booze they can drink but the loser gets the boot. When I say the boot I mean I kick their sorry asses out of my bar for good! So, whatdya say?"

"I say bring it on!" Nero declared lamely, doing a fist pump.

"I'm with the kid on this one!"

"Aww look, they're supporting each other!" Bayonetta remarked to Jeanne, who pointed and laughed at the half-devils.

"Shut up witches! You just wait until we crush you!" Dante responded, taking another step away from Nero. He looked in Rodin's direction. "Bartender, let's get this show on the road!"

"Alright then, this is your DJ Father Rodin here and this shit's about to get real!" Rodin declared, pressing a switch beneath his counter. All of a sudden a large stage popped up in one corner of the bar and directly above it a screen and score board with the two team names; the Witches with a crossed out 'B' and the Deadbeats.

"Hey bartender," Nero called to Rodin who was dusting off a few records. "I think you spelled devils wrong".

"Nope, I'm pretty sure I spelled it right," Rodin replied without turning to Nero. He lay out several records on the counter. "Alright teams, come take your pick!"

"Ha, they had to change your team name from 'bitches' to 'witches'!" Dante laughed at the opposing team.

"Well they had to do that in order to distinguish our two teams apart," Jeanne told the devil hunter as she strolled over to take her pick from the records.

"What are you, stupid? We're the Deadbeats!" Dante exclaimed proudly. If only he wasn't so oblivious to what Jeanne had said. It looks like Nero will have to be the brains in this fight if they want to win.

The karaoke war began with Dante being the first one up to sing. He may've made fun at Bayonetta for not being able to sing but at least Bayonetta wasn't stupid enough to attempt to sing an instrumental song and make up lyrics as he went along. Father Rodin was not impressed but this.

Next up was Jeanne who performed a 'colorful' rap, complete with suggestive choreography and loud background music. Father Rodin was greatly impressed with this performance, so much that he gave the witches extra points. To add insult to injury, Jeanne was sure to give Dante a mocking wink as she passed him.

Determined to gain the win for the Deadbeats, Nero triumphantly went up on the stage. The young half-devil sang 'Don't Stop Believing' absolutely perfectly, bringing tears to Dante's eyes and giving him the belief he would win. Father Rodin was completely stunned by this that he had to give the Deadbeats enough points to compensate for Dante's blunder.

Last up on stage was Bayonetta, who was going to sing 'Fly Me to the Moon'. Well she would've, if she hadn't stuck to her original plan of getting extremely drunk so she could sing the song perfectly. That obviously worked out well. All she did was get up on stage and sing the first few lyrics before throwing up and falling off-stage. Father Rodin couldn't help but facepalm at this disappointing performance and because of this he would have to declare the Deadbeats the winners. Damn, he'll be drinking all night because of this!

"Cereza!" Jeanne cried out as she ran over to her unconscious friend. The witch in red pulled a lollipop out of her pocket and put it in Bayonetta' mouth, reviving her and curing making her sober because only magical lollipops can do that.

"…Jeanne?" Bayonetta said groggily as she awoke from her alcohol induced unconsciousness. She covered her forehead with her hand and groaned. "I had this wonderful dream where I was beautiful crow and I was soaring through the air until I suddenly crashed! …Oh and did we beat devil-boy?"

"No, because of your drunken shenanigans, those…those buffoons took victory away from us!" Jeanne berated, her tone switching from worried Umbran sister to angry Umbran sister. "What did I tell you about drinking so much at one!?" I always told you to never drink more than five shots but no, you go and drink twenty! I swear Cereza one day-"

"In your faces!" Dante gloated, only to get a punch in the face from Jeanne, sending him into Nero. "You're just upset that today victory belongs to the Deadbeats! And with that I get my dignity back!" Free cheers for Dante!

"Let's see how long that lasts…" Bayonetta whispered to Jeanne, who just crossed her arms and pouted in defeat. Let's see how right Bayonetta is.

Dante and Nero strode victoriously over to Rodin, who was still fuming over how these morons could've possibly won. "Bartender, I believe the losers have to leave this bar now," the devil hunter said smugly, jerking his thumb towards Bayonetta and Jeanne.

Rodin swore under his breath but suddenly an idea came to him. The bartender smirked as he looked to the witches. "Alright witches, get the hell outta my bar!" he ordered, but not before dropping his shades for a second to give the two a wink.

The witches caught his signal and nodded. "Yes Rodin!"

Jeanne and Bayonetta made their way to the exit, with Jeanne flipping Dante and Nero off as she left. Bayonetta looked to Dante and blew a kiss in his direction. "Til next time devil-boy".

Once the witches were gone, Dante and Nero ran to the bar counter and took their seats on their well earned bar-stools. "We drove those witches out and we got our stools, kid. Now all we need is part two of our prize; a shit load of hard-liquor!" Dante remarked, slapping Nero on the back. "Hey bartender, start us off with two shots!"

"I hope you know that even though you've won, this shit ain't for free," Rodin growled as he took out two glasses and filled them.

Dante just waved it off. "Just put it under the new tab called Dante's victory tab!"

"Hold the phone; you say your name's Dante?" Rodin asked, to which the devil hunter proudly nodded. "Well today my boy Andy came by, scared shitless because he said a man in red held him at gunpoint in his own pizzeria which also happens to be my favorite pizzeria!" Rodin went over to Dante and pulled him up by his shirt collar. "I'm still pissed off about not being able to enjoy my favorite pizza for lunch and now all that rage's coming out now that I've found you!"

Dante gave several glances calling for help to Nero, who just shrugged his shoulders. "Uhh…karma's a bitch?"

Rodin pulled Dante closer to him and let out a growl. "You have any idea what I do with punks like you!? This is what I do!" the bartender opened up a portal that gave off a red aura and hurled Dante into it. "My friends in there'll be sure to give you a warm welcome, so don't worry!"

Nero just sat in his seat, slack jawed and wide-eyed. He couldn't believe his eyes so he just downed his beer. Suddenly he heard Rodin let out a whistle. "Yo babes, you could come back in now!" the half-devil looked to see Jeanne and Bayonetta re-enter the bar.

"So what did you do with devil-boy dear?" Bayonetta questioned as to what happened to her 'idiotic acquaintance'. "You didn't stomp him into dust did you? I wouldn't want to accidentally step on what's left of him. That'd be rude".

"I would!" Jeanne put in abruptly.

"No, I just sent him on a one way trip to hell," Rodin replied with a malevolent grin. "So if you don't want to join him I suggest you get your ass outta my bar!" Rodin told Nero, as he towered over him.

"I ought to go anyway. I live pretty far from here and I wouldn't want to…" Nero trailed off while getting out of his seat and made for the exit.

"Aww the little boy has to get home before his beddy-by time!" Bayonetta mocked in a babyish tone.

"Or before his mommy gives him a spanking!" Jeanne added her tone equally babyish and mocking.

How does Nero like it when he's made fun of by two people at once? Like he said. 'Karma's a bitch.'

The half-devil just ran as fast as he could out of the bar while yelling. "Vendetta!"

"Looks like we get to keep both of their dignity then," Bayonetta told Jeanne as she watched Nero run away. "We'll split it in two; I get devil-boy's and you can have Devil Jr's!"

"You mean they had dignity to begin with?"

Bayonetta shrugged her shoulders. "Who knows? Those two are such _winners_ after all," the witch said mockingly as she went over to the counter and sat down on her reclaimed bar stool. "Fix me up Rodin…and put it on devil boy's tab".

* * *

_In the depths of Hell_

Beneath Rodin's bar, within the true hell, Vergil sipped his tea quietly as he watched a bunch of newly arrivals get incinerated only for them to be reanimated and incinerated again. This was Hell's equivalent to television after all.

Vergil, being the sick bastard son of Sparda that he is, couldn't help but laugh as he watched one of the newly arrivals attempt to flee but he caught by two bigger demons and thrown back into the flames.

Without that bastard Mundus around, Hell wasn't half bad. They had everything Vergil wanted from life; fine entertainment, refreshing aromas, peaceful noises and no one to harass him while he drank his tea. Sure he didn't have Yamato but all these demons were too busy killing each other to notice them.

Vergil took a moment to take in the wondrous smell of brimstone and the joyous sound of people screaming as they were being turned to ashes. "Music to my ears!" the half-devil exclaimed before taking a sip from his tea. Yup, this was Vergil's paradise.

Suddenly a flaming sphere fell from the sky and landed right in front of Vergil. The swordsman raised an eyebrow while drinking his tea as he watched the smoke clear from the landing. "Hey Vergil!"

Vergil spit the tea out of his mouth upon recognizing the dreadfully familiar voice. "Dante!? How the-"

"Ah it's a good thing you're here Verge!" Dante began as he dusted himself off and stood up. "Now you can help me get back at the ones that sent me here and then-"

That was the last thing Vergil heard before he covered his ears in an attempt to block out Dante's blabbering, but it was no use. He began growling, twisting and writhing in another futile attempt to block out his twin's talking.

Oh the agony, oh the pain of having to listen to Dante was killing Vergil!

It looks like Hell became Hell again.

* * *

**AN: There you have it, part II to Dantenetta! Who do you think was the best and most accurate in this? On a small side-note, I love Jeanne's taunt in **Bayonetta** hence the inclusion of her line! **

**Well what could happen next? Will Vergil help Dante? Will Nero become enter a level above slightly impressive sidekick? Will Bayonetta and Jeanne continue embarrassing Dante and friends? Will Dante ever reclaim his dignity? Find out next time on the stunning conclusion to Dantenetta!**

**Reviews are well appreciated! **


	3. Showtime!

**AN: Part III, the stunning conclusion to the Dantenetta Chronicles is here! Nothing to say really outside of skip this and go on and read!**

** Enjoy!

* * *

**

The sun rose over the overly religious society of Fortuna. The populace were all getting ready to got to church where they would pray before heading back home…where they would pray some more. Why waste time with these dorks? Let's move onto our heroes, hopefully they're more interesting.

Kyrie was taking a nice hot shower while humming gospel hymns to herself because gospel hymns were obviously the ideal tune to hum while taking a relaxing shower. Why the isn't this girl with the rest of the church goers?

The songstress was thinking of another hymn she could hum when she heard a loud rumbling noise. She pulled back the shower curtain to see her toilet shaking violently from side to side and, then all of a sudden, it spit out a man dressed in red. Any guesses who this could be?

"Ah Vergil, couldn't you have found a better exit from hell that wasn't a toilet?" Dante asked his twin while wringing his trench coat of toilet water. "Aww man, I'm going to be smelling like toilet water all-oh hey Kyrie!"

"Well you're out of hell aren't you?" Vergil growled, only his waist and up sticking out of the toilet. "Now if you excuse me, I'm heading back".

"Oh no you don't!" Dante grabbed Vergil and attempted to pull him out and stop him from going back down the drain to hell. Vergil struggled vehemently, even going as far as attempting to plunger himself down the drain. Who would think someone would be so desperate to go back to hell?

Kyrie screamed and hid her body behind the shower curtain. Too bad it was a clear shower curtain but that's what she gets for letting Nero choose out a shower curtain. Damn that cheapskate Nero, she might just leave him for this!

The bathroom door flung open hitting Dante so hard it caused him to pull Vergil out of the toilet. "Kyrie, I heard you scream!" Nero said worriedly as he entered the bathroom, Yamato raised. He immediately noticed the soaked Sparda Bros. lying on the floor. "Old man!?"

"Kid!"

"Yamato!" Vergil exclaimed his eyes locked on his sword that was in the hands of the half-devil. The swordsman grabbed Dante by the collar and pulled him close to his face. "You gave Yamato to this whelp!?

"This whelp has a name and what are you two doing in my girlfriend's bathroom!?"

"Kid, you're brilliant!" Dante stated out of nowhere, a plan forming in his head. Way to use your brain Dante! "How 'bout this Vergil, you help me seek revenge and then you can have Yamato back!"

"No, how about I just take Yamato back and then use it to rend you and your little friend, limb from limb!?" Vergil offered. He was never one to make deals with morons.

"WILL ALL OF YOU GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM!?" Kyrie shouted over the arguing half-devils. "Go argue in the living room!"

"Pardon my intrusion ma'am," Vergil apologized, bowing politely. What a gentlemen!

"Alright, see ya later then Kyrie!" Dante said before following his twin out the door. He stuck his head back in for a second. "By the way, nice-"

"Get the hell out of here and stop ogling her!" Nero snarled, pushing Dante's head out of the doorway. "Please don't hate me for this Kyrie!" Nero pleaded, his head low so he didn't have to look at her nudeness. Then why the hell did he buy the clear curtain?

Meanwhile in the living room…

"So it's a deal; you help me get revenge on that witch and then you get Yamato along with two virgins!" Dante offered, bartering Nero's Yamato to Vergil, without his consent, along with two women. Sounds like he's planning on giving away Lady and Trish for the sake of vengeance. And people say Vergil's the bad guy?

The swordsman nodded in agreement. "Agreed, but you can keep your hoes!" See a fine gentleman indeed. Though he maybe a little coarse.

"Hey what are you two talking about?" Nero asked as he came down the stairs. He heard the word 'virgin' so he had to make sure they weren't planning to kidnap Kyrie.

"We were just saying that we're going to get back at that witch from last night," the devil hunter replied as he took out Ebony and Ivory. "You wanna come along?"

"I don't know old man, those witches jerked us around pretty badly last night so I'm not sure if I want that to happen again," the half-devil explained. See this is why Nero's just Dante's sidekick. He lacks the manliness and audacity to take up a challenge. He may have the right idea but hey, he's the sidekick.

"And that's why we've got Vergil with us! He'll come up with a brilliant plan that'll let us get back at those witches without getting hurt!" Dante reassured his sidekick before elbowing his twin in the ribs. "Right Verge?"

"Hmm? Yes, that is correct," the swordsman responded, his eyes glued to Yamato which was at Nero's side. He was already imagining on how once he got it back, he would skewer Dante and the whelp identified as Nero take them back to hell and toss them into the flames. The mere thought made Vergil smile wickedly.

"Well if we're going after those witches then we'll need a ride," Nero told the twins as he went over to the foot of the staircase. "Hey Kyrie, where's the car keys?!"

"They're hung by the garage door! Kyrie called back from the shower. "Why?"

"Me and the guys are going out! You want anything?"

"A new shower curtain and it better not be clear!"

"Sure thing!" the half-devil responded before he turned back to Dante and Vergil. "Follow me guys. To the garage!" he declared before running off with Dante in tow. Vergil face palmed at how ridiculous Nero's declaration sounded.

The three half-devils entered the garage to find a pearl white pick-up truck with what looked like an old fashioned limousine with its hood pulled back. Nero seemed proud of the car but Dante and Vergil had other ideas about it, probably because they heard of a thing called 'driving in style'.

"Umm…Nero, isn't this the 'pope mobile'?" Dante asked his friend as he approached the car.

"Nah, its old man Sanctus's car but he won't be needing it anymore…" Nero replied. Mocking a dead priest, real cool Nero. The half devil hopped into the driver's seat of the car. "Get in guys. I'm driving!"

"Of course you're driving, no one else wants to be seen driving this thing!" Dante stated insensitively before taking a seat up front and propping his feet up. He turned to Vergil who seemed hesitant to enter. "Come on in Vergil, 'pope mobile's' got room for one more!"

The swordsman grumbled angrily under his breath before taking a seat in the back. "You better stay true to your word of giving Yamato back, Dante".

"Yeah, yeah something about my back!" Dante retorted, obnoxiously waving his hand in Vergil's face causing the swordsman to sigh at his twin's stupidity. Who wouldn't? "Alright kid let's see what this baby can do!"

With that the half-devils' car sped out of the garage full speed. Hopefully the 'pope mobile' will give our heroes some good luck.

* * *

After having to mow down many Fortunans that attempted to see the 'pope' who they mistook as Vergil and somehow driving across the sea, the Sparda Bros. and Nero reached their destination, a fashion boutique called d'Arc. The 'pope mobile' grinded to a halt outside of the store.

"Are you sure they're here?" Nero questioned as he got out of the car. The idea to come here was Dante's, he hadn't even given a reason to come here but that's Dante for you.

"What if they aren't here?"

"Of course they're here! They're girls, girls love to shop!" Dante responded to which Nero nodded. Talk about being stereotypical.

"Outside of the fact that they're girls, what else do either of you know about them?" Vergil put in. Dante and Nero looked to each other and then back to Vergil and shrugged. The swordsman released a sigh, mentally asking how he got himself into this situation before remembering Yamato being the reason. "Being that neither of you know anything about the targets. Then the first part of our-I mean, my plan is to infiltrate and observe the enemy".

"How do you expect us to do that without being caught? I can't keep quiet forever!" Dante complained. It's called shut up and deal with it. That's probably what Vergil will say!

"I figured as much," Vergil said, because he had obviously planned ahead hence why he's the brain of the group. "So that's why we're going to dress up the whelp here as a female so he can become one with them," he continued, pointing his thumb at Nero. "Can you handle the responsibility, whelp?"

"Why do I have to become one with them?" Nero protested. Let's think this over for a second, shall we? Dante can't be the girl because no normal girl smells like pizza, cheap hair products and toilet water. Vergil can't be the girl because this is his plan and Nero's the sidekick who has to obey.

"You're the most feminine one here, so that's why!" Vergil barked before pointing at d'Arc's entrance. "Now move out!"

The inside of the boutique was a direct opposite of the bar or heroes, excluding Vergil, had visited last chapter; clean smelling and filled with the scent of perfume. Just by being inside the store made the half-devils all feel pretty and pampered. This was good because Nero had to be that way for the mission. Out of nowhere Dante gasped loudly.

"What? What is your problem!?" his twin hissed, looking around for whatever the cause was. Dante just pointed across the room and Vergil followed to see two women, one dressed in red, the other in black. It was Bayonetta and Jeanne. "Are they the targets?"

"Yeah that's them. "I'll never-whoa!" Dante said the last part simultaneously with Vergil and Nero. Bayonetta's clothes just vanished off of her body before as they watched her enter one of the fitting rooms. The half-devils just stared in awe for a bit until Dante's hand came up subconsciously and slapped himself across the face sending his head into Nero, whose head went into Vergil's.

"We must work fast, in case she uses her magic again!" Vergil explained before he grabbed Nero and Dante and tossed them into a clothes rack.

"Wait Vergil, what about her friend, she might blow our cover?" Nero asked, sticking his head out of the clothes rack. Instead of worrying about Jeanne blowing their cover, Nero should be more worried about Dante blowing it.

"I'll deal with her," Vergil assured the half-devil before teleporting away. You got to love that Dark Slayer style!

Jeanne was picking out various pieces of red clothing from blouses to jackets. How was she going to pay for all this red? The witch figured she would just do what Cereza does and that's get Enzo to pay for it. That or she could just scare the cashier into letting her pay half price for this stuff. Either way could work wonders.

While Jeanne was passing a fitting room, a pair of hands came out and pulled her inside. The witch was about to protest and tear this sorry bastard's head off until a hand went over her mouth. "Stay quiet and you may live".

Now Jeanne was able to get a good look at her captor and as soon as she did, she….immediately fell in love. Little hearts appeared around her head as Vergil looked her straight in the eye. "Do you understand?" he asked to which Jeanne nodded dreamily and Vergil removed his hand from her mouth. She could live with this captivity!

The swordsman stuck his head out of the fitting room to look for Dante and Nero when all of a sudden he felt something against his back. He turned to see Jeanne nuzzling against his back. Vergil winced at this physical contact. "Do you mind; I'm busy?"

"But don't you plan on doing anything to me? You know something _evil _or _vile_?" Jeanne asked seductively, her eyelashes fluttering. She wrapped her arms around his waist, one of her hands going in a direction it shouldn't.

"No, I'm not going to do anything to you! So stop touching me and leave me to my work!" Vergil snapped feeling completely violated. Dante hadn't warned him about this.

Speaking of Dante…

"This is so awkward," Nero whined from the inside a fitting room.

"Come on kid, it's for my dignity!"

"Why do I have to do it for your dignity?"

"Because Vergil said so, now get your ass out here!" Dante reached into the fitting room and dragged Nero out, dressed in the clothes he had picked out for him. The younger half devil was dressed in tight skimpy clothing, high heeled boots, all of this complete with a top that left his midriff showing. Congratulations Nero, Dante has turned you into a slut!

"You owe me big time for this, old man!" the half-devil growled, his face red with embarrassment. This is what he gets for letting Dante choose women's clothing.

"Fine I'll drive you home after this!"

"Yeah, in my car!"

"Just get over there!" the devil hunter commanded before he pushed Nero in the direction of Bayonetta, who was trying on shoes. "Remember, you're a girl now, so say what a girl would say!"

Nero sighed as he approached the witch. "Umm…hello," the half-devil greeted in a shrill high tone. He would never be able to live this down.

"Hello there miss," Bayonetta said nonchalantly, returning the greeting. Apparently she was too busy trying to get a pair of boots to fit. When they wouldn't fit her feet, the witch tossed them away, one of the boots hitting a certain devil hunter on the head. This was only a coincidence though, it's not like she knows our heroes are here…

"Well, my name's…Nina and I'm new to this town. I wanted to know if you'd…"

"Dear are you in pain?" Bayonetta asked, standing up with her normal boots on. She stretched out a hand and put it on Nero's cheek. "Are you sure you're well?"

"Yeah I'm feeling fine," Nero replied, a little confused.

"Well then, tell me something; does this hurt?" the witch questioned and before 'Nina' could reply, she kicked him in his precious spot. Nero let out a gasp before dropping to the ground, clutching between his legs. "Oh and devil boy, next time you cross dress your boy toy, be sure to tell him to shave his legs!" Bayonetta called out to devil boy.

On cue, Dante fell out of a clothes rack. "How'd you know I was here?"

"Devil Jr. here doesn't strike me as the independent type so he must have had someone holding his leash," Bayonetta commented, stepping over a reeling Nero as she went to go find more clothes.

* * *

After their failed attempt at 'infiltrating the enemy', the half-devils regrouped. It took Vergil extra time to find a the others because he had to get away from the 'hungry' witch known as Jeanne. After he settled for tying Jeanne up with the many scarves that she had planned to purchase, the accomplices began plotting a new plan.

"Alright, this time we'll capture their leader and interrogate her for her weaknesses and then immediately use them to break her!" Vergil explained to the other half-devils.

"Hey Verge; why don't we just take the one you tied up and interrogate her for weaknesses?" Dante asked. Wow a decent idea that came from Dante and not Vergil! He'll just end up countering it later by doing or coming up with something stupid. Good things don't last forever.

"I don't think I'd be able to get anything out of here. Besides she may enjoy it too much…" the swordsman responded, a memory of when he was tying up the witch and she talked about was how she liked bondage and the 'rough stuff'. "Anyway due to the whelp's incapacitation…" Vergil looked to Nero who had an ice pack between his legs. "…and due to your only abilities being fighting and loud noises, I will be undertaking this mission personally".

"Alright hotshot, if me or Nero couldn't get her, what makes you think you can?" the devil hunter questioned, feeling slightly offended that Vergil didn't want him to be involved his revenge mission.

"With a little souvenir I brought from Hell," Vergil took out what appeared to be a perfume bottle. Vergil's prepared for practically every situation including witch capture. "This contains a scent strong enough to take out even the strongest of individuals. Watch," with that Vergil sprayed the perfume at Dante, immediately knocking him out. Maybe with Dante unconscious, the chances of something going wrong would decrease.

Bayonetta went over to a cash register and dropped a large of pile of clothes she had found. She began to wonder where Jeanne had disappeared too when a cashier with white hair, a blue coat and-what's this? A mustache! Way to use your imagination Vergil.

"Yes cashier, all of this!" Bayonetta ordered the 'cashier' as she looked around for Jeanne. "Oh and be sure to put this under an 'Enzo Ferino'. Did you catch that or need I repeat it for you because rumor has it that people of your occupation are none too bright?"

Vergil ignored the woman's obnoxiousness and quickly bagged all of her clothes. Once he was done, he slipped the perfume bottle out from his sleeve. "Excuse me, ma'am but would you like to sample the newest perfume directly from…Norway?" Quick thinking Vergil; Norway's nothing like hell!

"And excuse me, but I've got enough perfume".

"But you're such a beautiful specimen. It'd be a shame for you not to have an even more wonderful fragrance surrounding you!" the 'cashier' pleaded. His plan couldn't fail, not while he was the one executing it!

"Well since you're a cashier that uses big boy words, why not?" Bayonetta relented before leaning in closer to Vergil, a deceptively kind smile on her lips. "Alright smart-boy, send some of that stuff my way".

"_Oh I'll send it your way and I'll also send you to sand man land!" _the swordsman thought to himself along with a mental 'in your face Dante!' Vergil sprayed the perfume at Bayonetta and…nothing happened. He shook the bottle violently but still nothing happened. The swordsman looked to the bottle and pressed down again and this time it worked, too bad it was facing him. The scent immediately knocked Vergil out cold. It appears Vergil isn't a flawlessly brilliant mastermind after all.

Once Vergil lost consciousness, Bayonetta released a sigh. "Bugger, I didn't get to sample the wonderful scent of Norway and Mr. Smart Cashier boy knocked himself out! What shame. He even packed my bags and didn't charge me a cent, what a gentlemen! "With that Bayonetta grabbed her large bag of clothes and made for the exit.

* * *

Once the Sparda Bros. regained consciousness, they found Nero and, yet again, thought of a new plan. Because they thought Bayonetta was spying on them and that's the reason why Vergil's plans failed, the half-devils decided to hide in an alleyway outside of d'Arc.

"There, now there's no way that she can listen in on us," Vergil briefed his accomplices. Dante and Nero exchanged bored looks before looking back to Vergil. "Have no fear though; my new master plan cannot possibly fail!"

"Yeah okay…" Dante stated rolling his eyes. He was bored with his twin's plans; he thought they would've made him even with Bayonetta by now but no! They just used many big words that didn't help at all. So that's why he had been thinking of his own plan because obviously if Vergil's plans didn't work then his definitely would. "Hey Verge, I got a plan."

"Yeah NO! Vergil interjected immediately. "So as I was saying-"

"You can 'yeah no' yourself! My plan's golden!"

"And what's your plan Dante? You and your little whelp friend here run out there guns blazing? She'd kill the two of you without even trying!" Just like how she killed both of Vergil's last two plans? Come on Vergil, give Dante a chance! Let him go fail on his own.

Dante was about to protest but Vergil had hit the nail right on the head. "…Yes. But my plan'll work unlike yours!"

"Well then Dante, tell me something; are you feeling lucky, punk? Go on, go out there and make my day!" the swordsman taunted, sounding like Dirty Harry. Whether this was intentional or not, Vergil would never admit.

"Fine, I will!" Dante shouted as he got to his feet and pulled Nero up with him. "Come on kid, we're going witch hunting!"

"Dante…it still hurts…" Nero whined before releasing a pained groan.

"Grow something down there and then maybe I'll feel bad for you!" Dante shot back insensitively. As if he would ever feel bad for Nero.

The two half-devils leaned against the edge of the alleyway, Blue Rose and Ebony and Ivory drawn respectively. They eyed the entrance and as soon as it opened they opened fire while screaming like Rambo. Well Dante was, Nero could barely speak. The two stopped firing and stepped out to see that they had hit nothing. Big surprise.

"Watch out kid, she could be anywhere!" Dante whispered to Nero as he looked around for any sign of the witch Bayonetta. Suddenly a tap came to his shoulder. Dante whirled back to Nero. "Kid, why'd you touch me?"

"I didn't touch you!"

"Yeah you did so don't do it again." Another tap came to Dante's shoulder. "Goddammit what did I just tell you!"

"I swear I didn't touch you!"

"Listen kid if you're going to get all 'touchy feely' then-."

"You wanna see touching you? This is touching you!" Nero snapped before slapping Dante across the face with the Blue Rose. Looks like something's down there after-all.

"Why you son of a-!" the devil hunter growled. He tossed his pistols to the side and then punched Nero right in the nose. Nero did as Dante did before he tackled the older half-devil to the ground. Dante kicked Nero off of him and into a dumpster. "I'll teach you to challenge your position as sidekick!" With that a street fight began. To think this started over a simple' I didn't touch you'! Well Nero didn't touch Dante; the culprit was sitting above them, watching her handiwork come to life.

"Dance my puppets, dance!" Bayonetta shouted from the edge of a fire escape. It's not like either of them would hear her considering they were too busy beating each other to a pulp.

"Who are you calling a puppet, puppet!?" Dante demanded as he strangled Nero using his own hood. If only he heard correctly then he'd notice the true evil.

Vergil watched his twin and lackey fight it out, being sure to not miss a moment of it. This was even better than Hell's finest entertainment! Suddenly a thought occurred to him. "_Quick you fool, now's your chance!" _the swordsman's brain told him, realizing now was his chance to return to Hell. He briefly pondered over Yamato but then he remembered that the exit to hell was the whelp's toilet so he could always go back and take it.

"I've found you Mr. Tall, Dark and Mysterious!" a voice purred from behind Vergil. He turned to see Jeanne standing against the wall…and she looked hungry.

Like a cougar or a lynx in her case attacking a deer, Jeanne pounced on Vergil and pinned him to the ground. "Now we're going to start what we never got to begin…"

"Unhand me you…you-!" Vergil stuttered as he attempted to break away but this witch proved to be surprisingly strong. How he wished he had Yamato right now!

"You what? Bitch?" Jeanne asked as she lowered herself on top of her prey and stroked his cheek. "I actually happen to fancy that term!" she said a mischievous smile on her face.

"No, NO!" Vergil was silenced by Jeanne putting her mouth over his. Curse Dante for dragging him into this! Curse the creators for taking Yamato away from him and giving it to Nero! Curse his body for enjoying this!

As Vergil was fighting to save himself from Jeanne, Dante and Nero continued their brawl. It went on in a repetitive 'punched him only for him to punch him back' scenario. That was until a giant magical boot came down from the sky crushing the two and ending their fight.

"Y'know your little quarrel was cute to watch at first but it grew ever so boring as it dragged on," Bayonetta remarked as she came down from the fire escape she had been watching them from. Neither responded to her because Nero was in too much pain to say anything and Dante's face was planted into the ground. Figures the only time he keeps his mouth shut when it's planted in the ground.

"KEEP THAT WOMAN AWAY FROM ME!" Vergil yelled, bolting out of the alleyway full speed to escape from the…assault. Bayonetta stuck her foot out as the swordsman neared causing him to trip and land on top of the other half-devils.

Jeanne soon appeared from the alleyway and when she saw Vergil on the ground she ran towards him full speed. Bayonetta caught her friend by the collar just as she passed. "Jeanne, HEEL!" she ordered her friend, saying it as if she was a dog. The red witch obeyed but kept her eyes on Vergil.

"Y'know what? Screw this; I'm going back to Hell!" Vergil declared angrily, getting up from on top of Dante and Nero. At least in Hell, there were no horny witches that sought to violate him. Before he left he took Yamato from Nero's side and hit him on the head with the hilt. "Amateur…" he muttered before leaving.

"Yeah old man, this isn't worth it," Nero told the still downed devil hunter as he got up rubbing where Vergil had hit him. "Besides I have to go buy some shower curtains". Remember Nero, non clear ones or Kyrie may leave you.

Bayonetta let Jeanne go as soon as Vergil and Nero were gone. "If you excuse me Cereza, I'm going on a trip to Hell!" Great another one who actually wants to go to Hell but then again this was for a search and capture mission. The red witch whistled for a taxi and almost immediately one came. "Quick driver, after that man!" she commanded, pointing at Vergil who saw the taxi and began running faster. He should've got a ride from the pope mobile.

With Jeanne chasing down Vergil and Nero off buying shower curtains, Bayonetta was left alone with Dante, who still lay motionless on the ground. Don't worry, he's not dead but it has just started to rain!

"You alright devil-boy?" Bayonetta asked the motionless devil hunter as she sat down next to him. Dante replied by shaking his head which was still on the ground. It must hurt with all those tiny pieces of glass but Dante's survived worse. "Are you upset because I bested you? If that's the case then you have poor sportsmanship!" the witch jested, but Dante took it the wrong way.

The devil hunter started banging the ground with his fist and what sounded like muffled sobbing erupted from his body. "Oh come now devil boy, you tried your best…and you failed," the witch reassured Dante, stroking his back gently. Yeah, telling him he's a failure is really going to make him feel better. Dante just continued sobbing and Bayonetta began patting his back. "There, there you proved to be quite entertaining. You also proved to be my toughest challenge…ever!" she lied, putting on a smile. Dante would never figure out she was lying though.

"You really think so?" Dante asked the witch as he lifted his head from the ground. Looks like lying can make people feel better!

"Yes dear," Bayonetta nodded to Dante before suddenly slapping him across the face. "Now stop crying because if there's one thing I hate in this world it's crying babies!" she said, a playful smile on her lips.

Dante returned her smile and rubbed the cheek that she had slapped him on, inwardly wincing. "Yeah, okay…" the two got up off of the ground and the rain just stopped. "Hey um, I have a question? How did you know everything we were planning?"

"It's as simple as you have a big mouth and your brother is the farthest thing from a master of disguise!"

"Oh…" Dante replied before laughing sheepishly. He made a mental note to keep his mouth shut when planning future revenge operations. As if he would listen to that note anyway. "So uhh…I guess I'll see you late…or something," the devil hunter stuttered, not sure if the witch was still an enemy or not.

"Yes, I suppose you will," Bayonetta replied as she threw her hair back. She then turned on her heel and walked off but not before sending a wink in Dante's direction. "Catch you later, devil boy".

Dante just waved after her, a strange feeling in his stomach. Eh he probably just needed some pizza. All kidding aside though, Dante felt a feeling of friendship. Maybe this was turning point, a point where Dante would make more friends then enemies! Who knows?

Another man dressed in what appeared to be a red charcoal suit and he was wearing heavily tinted sunglasses, came out of seemingly nowhere and walked past Dante. "Nice red coat…" he commented gruffly.

"Thanks, yours is pretty sweet too!" Dante responded, returning the compliment. He didn't even know the guy and he liked him already.

"Mine's better though..." the man shot back instantly killing what ever kind of respect and admiration Dante had for him.

"Hey, what was that punk!?" Dante questioned but the man kept walking. "Hey I'm not done with you!"

Looks like Dante's got a long way to go before his list friends equals that of his current list of enemies!

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**AN: There you go the only non one-shot conclusion I've ever given! This is such a great accomplishment for me! XD Any guesses on who this mysterious man at the end was? He's another character who I'm very fond of like Dante and Bayonetta!**

**Oh and giant magical boot = wicked weave.  
**

**Don't forget to review! **

** ?- Mysterious Question Mark**


	4. Kept ya Waiting

**AN: Here's the true finale to Dantenetta! This probably caught some of you off but it was meant to be a surprise! This chapter though is much _fluffier_ if you will, then the other chapters before. Who knows what can happened here?! **

**Alright then go on and enjoy!

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"Gotta run! Gotta hide!"

Here we re-meet our hero, Dante, running for his life. Who could he be running from? Could it be the formerly evil witch who's now the friendly witch Bayonetta? No because she's now the _friendly_ witch. Who could it be then?

"Keep running coward, it'll just be even more satisfying for me when I kill you!" an insane voice shouted after Dante. The man in red from before appeared and headed after the devil hunter. "Go on, KEEP RUNNING!"

"Keep running, KEEP RUNNING!" Dante told himself, taking his pursuer's advice. Why would this guy want to murder Dante over a 'red coat' comment? Well it goes deeper than that and it involves Dante getting into something way over his head. As usual...

After being horribly insulted by the man in red, Dante tracked him down to a blood bank where he found out that the man was called Alucard and he was a frequent 'customer' there. After snickering to himself about how the name was just Dracula spelled backwards...wait, how did he figure that out? Anyway, Dante stalked Alucard to a cheap motel where he thought it'd be funny if he switched the vampire's blood packets with Kool-Aid.

Gee, he's just getting stupider as the story goes on, isn't he? That or he just has a death wish. Who knows?

Dante bolted down an alley way and looked for something that could help him. There was an open door on the side of a building with the sign 'Iscariot USA' above it and there was a lowered ladder that led to the top of a building but Dante decided to choose something even more practical. Something that Alucard would never expect.

"Hey a box!" Dante exclaimed before he crawled underneath the cardboard box. He looked out the small opening in the front for his pursuer. "Ha that jackass'll never expect this!" He couldn't be anymore wrong.

The vampire soon appeared at the edge of the of the alley way, a maniacal grin on his face. "I can smell your fear and it smells absolutely wonderful!" Alucard called out as he slowly entered the alley.

Dante's confidence in his box disguise immediately vanished and he shrunk down inside of it while he watched Alucard come his way. "Don't look under the box, don't look under the box, don't look under the box!" Dante chanted to himself. Suddenly he heard the sound of a gun being loaded followed by one firing. The box cover flew off of him and he was now face to face with his pursuer. "Oh shit..." That's right, oh shit.

"Did you think your stupid little disguise would fool me?" Alucard questioned as he grabbed Dante by the throat and held him against the wall. The devil hunter nodded in response. You're not supposed to tell him that you thought it would fool him, now he's going to want to kill you even more! "Well I've dealt with that pathetic little trick before and I've got proof!" The vampire reached into his pocket and tossed out a bandanna. Who could that belong too?

Alucard stuck the Jackal underneath Dante's chin. "Now...count to three." At least he's letting him countdown to his own death.

"3...2..." Dante counted and before he could remember what number came before two, the sound of gunshots rang out. Surprisingly they weren't Alucard's despite his very itchy trigger finger. No, they came from another figure standing at the alley's entrance. Dante gasped. "You!"

And you happened to be...! That's right!

"Drop the boy!" Bayonetta ordered, Scarborough Fair pointed at Alucard, smoke coming from it's barrel. Who would've thought that Bayonetta would take the time to rescue Dante's sorry ass when she could be off doing more important things like making sure her sequel doesn't end up like the dreaded Devil May Cry 2. Maybe she was able to squeeze in a few minutes.

"Aww your mommy has come to save you!" the vampire mocked before laughing maniacally, throwing his head back as he did so. This guy needs some serious help.

"Dude... it wasn't that funny, "Dante stated only to get the the Jackal's barrel shoved into his mouth. Should've remembered to keep that mouth of his shut.

"Did you not hear me or need I repeat myself? I said drop him!" the raven haired witch commanded again to which the vampire continued laughing. "You had your chance..." With that Bayonetta opened fire, her pistols blasting off parts of Alucard's body including his arm, freeing Dante.

"Yes, yes, I like prey that fight back! "Alucard remarked as his body parts grew back.

"Come devil-boy!" Bayonetta said, grabbing Dante by his coat collar and dragging him out of the alley way.

While she dragged him along, many highly immature bystanders pointed and laughed at Dante's position, giggling to themselves about how 'he was being dragged around by a girl'! Now we know where Dante gets it from; the people around him.

"Hey um, witch; can I drag myself now? This is pretty embarrassing..." Dante stated as he eyed the bystanders who began photographing and filming him. A lot of people have cameras nowadays.

"You can whine or you can live, your choice," Bayonetta responded still running and dragging the devil hunter. Suddenly an obstacle appeared to block their path; a conveniently placed brick wall! Who designed this city? The two slid to a halt well Bayonetta did. Dante hit the wall head first. "Bloody hell!" Bayonetta exclaimed before sinister laughter fell on her ears.

"Nowhere to run now!" Alucard said, skulking over to the witch and half-devil. There was no escape for our hero and new heroine now unless Alucard suddenly becomes sane and loving which everyone knows is impossible. The only thing they could do was pray...too bad that won't help them considering they were a witch and half-devil.

"Get behind me devil-boy!" Bayonetta commanded as she stood her ground before Alucard.

Dante briefly considered his options. He could run and save himself while leaving Bayonetta to get killed or he could stay with her and they both get killed. After a few seconds of the painful art of thinking, Dante made his decision and....got behind his rival. See, he knows right from wrong.

As Alucard got closer, Bayonetta smirked. Her cat-suit suddenly flew off of her body causing Alucard and Dante to gasp and stare in awe. "I like where this is going," the vampire stated, a creepy grin on his face. If only he noticed the giant hair demon appear behind him.

The monster roared before snatching Alucard with it's mouth and tore him apart into tiny bits and pieces. Bayonetta watched with the pride of a mother as her demon tore the vampire apart and Dante-

Let's just say Dante was watching too.

"Good boy, now return to mommy!" Bayonetta told her monster which just spit out the remains of its meal before retuning to 'mommy'. She then turned to Dante who wore a disappointed expression due to her clothes returning. "Sorry devil-boy, show's over!" The devil hunter just grumbled under his breath in reply. "Go on then, run along home!" the witch ordered, waving her hand in a 'shew, get lost' manner.

"Wait!" Dante blurted out. Looks like he might apologize or even better, say 'thank you'! "I was wondering...if uh...you'd like to hang out or um...something?" the devil hunter asked while twiddling his thumbs. Still no thank you?

"Why all of a sudden?" Bayonetta questioned, a playful smirk appearing on her lips as she walked over to Dante. This could get interesting.

"Well because..." Dante began but was interrupted the sound of a speeding car and sure enough one blazed past by with it's blaring. The song just coincidentally happened to be 'Accidentally in Love'. What a coincident indeed!

"Hell yeah, they had non clear shower curtains on sale!" Nero screamed as the 'pope mobile' sped right past Dante and Bayonetta. Alright congratulations, now go home sidekick!

After the 'pope mobile' was gone, Dante was about to continue but Bayonetta put a finger over his lips to stop him. "Your offer sounds like it'd be quite lovely."

The devil hunter was quiet for a moment but then he just chuckled sheepishly. "Yeah...are we going some place?" He must be 'Accidentally in Love' considering he seems to be ditsy and stupid now. Give him a break though he's trying to stay cool around a lady.

"Yes dear, that's what you usually do when you 'hang out'," Bayonetta clarified. She wrapped her arm around Dante's and forced him along. "Come now, I know a place that would be quite the treat!"

As the two former enemies, who're now fremenies, went off to 'hang out' they didn't notice the slags of flesh reforming behind them. This cannot be good in anyway.

_Mwahahahahaha

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Where better in the world can two fremenies hang out then a carnival? Nowhere, so that's why our hero and heroine are going to one now! Let's just hope they don't get competitive or do something that might ruin the peace.

"Step right up, one and all to attempt to win a fabulous prize by hitting a bulls-eye on the target!" a carney called out to a large crowd that included Dante and Bayonetta.

"Ooh come devil-boy, let's go play that game!" Bayonetta said grabbing Dante by the arm and tugging him in the direction of the target game. Oh no she's accepted the bait! Luckily Dante didn't budge too much because he claimed he wasn't too interested in winning a stuffed animal. "Come along, you can win me a prize!" Dante gave in after that because he wasn't one to deny a lady her prize.

"What can I do for you fine young people?" the carney asked, a huge grin on his face. The only reason he must be happy is because nobody probably plays at his stand and these are the only people today that are willing to waste their time. Being a carney is a sad existence.

"Carney, set us up with three tries each!" Bayonetta ordered. She's quite forceful to people of lower occupations but that teaches them to be of a lower occupation. The witch took out six halos and set them down on the counter. "Here, there's more in there than you could've possibly made in your life time!"

The carney took one of the halos and felt it a bit before taking a bite out of it. He seemed satisfied enough with it because after all, if it looks and tastes like gold then it must be gold. The carney took out two sets of three balls and put them out before his customers. "Give it your best shot!"

"Watch and learn devil boy," the witch said confidently before tossing one of the balls and instead of hitting the target she hit the poor carney in the face with it. "Mr Carney, do try to be more careful next time because it would do you much less pain, "Bayonetta remarked before tossing another ball, this one hitting the shelf that held all the prizes, causing it to fall down on top of the carney. She should try harder not to hurt these kind of people, their lives are hard enough. "I guess my skills ma have waned a bit"

"There's actually a trick to it," Dante said, picking up one of the balls and tossing it up and down in his hand. "You just have to think of the target as someone you hate!" Now who could Dante hate enough for the target to be a bulls-eye? Let's find out.

Dante aimed the ball at the target and in his eyes the target morphed into an old rival of his, one who he had been going at it with since the very beginning. "I'll teach you to be angry all the time!" the devil hunter declared before throwing the ball and gaining a perfect hit. "See that's how you do it! Now watch as I get another perfect hit."

"I suppose you saw that target as me, didn't you?" Bayonetta accused, burying her face in her palms. What could this devious witch be up to?

"No, no I saw-!" Dante attempted to apologize but Bayonetta suddenly grabbed the ball out of his hand and tossed it at the target gaining a bullseye.

"You're too gullible devil-boy," Bayonetta said, patting Dante on the cheek. She reached over the counter and grabbed one of the stuffed animals from the pile on top of the carney, who lay on the ground unconscious. He could be dead but he's a carney, no one will notice."Thank you Mr. Carney, it was a delightful experience playing at your stand!" The witch tossed the stuffed animal to Dante as she continued on her way. "Come along, there's much more to this carnival than this shoddy little hut".

Dante just stood in his place, grumbling and pouting over how he was fooled though he should be used to it by now. He's probably thinking that target is her now. Now Dante, we don't want to remake an enemy.

"This way devil-boy!" the witch called to the still in place devil hunter. When he didn't follow, she went back over to her new friend. "What's the matter with you?" Bayonetta questioned, putting her hands on her hips. Dante just muttered something incoherent and turned his back to her. Judging by the action Bayonetta immediately knew what was wrong. "Are your pants in a knot because I tricked you? It's no real big deal now." Dante just crossed his arms in response. The witch thought of the perfect way to apologize."...Would you like me to take you up on the ferris wheel?" Dante was motionless for a second but then he nodded his head without turning to the witch.

Ah the ferris wheel, the centerpiece of any carnival! It brings people together and shows that the carnival is not dirt poor. The good old ferris wheel.

The devil hunter and witch made their way over to the ferris wheel and boarded. What happened to paying? Well they boarded the ferris wheel and it slowly rose up to the top where they were given a bird's eye view of everything. From garbage trucks dropping their loads into the ocean and two bums fighting over a piece of bread to a street cleaner devouring a tricycle. What a view!

"The night is quite beautiful, don't you agree devil-boy?" Bayonetta asked as she placed her head on Dante's shoulder. She released a content sigh. "Time's like this only happen once in a life time."

"Yeah because if it happened twice then that'd be illegal," Dante responded, still watching the bums fight in the distance. If only he realized there was no laws regarding this kind of stuff. He looked to the witch whose head was still on his shoulder. "Hey, I just realized something!"

"And what's that?" Bayonetta asked, her eyelashes fluttering. She's probably expecting something dramatic but if there's one thing we've all learned by now it's that you should always expect the unexpected from Dante.

"Your name's Bayonetta!" Expect the unexpected.

An awkward silence followed this with Dante grinning proudly over his realization and Bayonetta staring at him dumbfounded and a little disappointed. The ferris wheel even seemed to stop moving and some crickets chirped in the background. The silence was ended and the ferris wheel began moving again when Bayonetta smiled and chuckled lightly. "Yes dear, yes it is," she said before ruffling Dante's hair.

She'd let it slide this time.

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After leaving the carnival, Dante and Bayonetta headed back to Devil May Cry. They were sure to avoid the area with the conveniently placed brick wall considering there was bound to be cops examining the remains of their vampire friend.

If there were any remains there...

"I had a wonderful evening devil-boy," Bayonetta remarked with a smile as they reached Devil May Cry.

"Yeah, I had a nice one too," Dante stated. Suddenly he released a small laugh. "To think just yesterday I hated your guts!" That's something you really want to tell a lady, but after-all Dante's still new to this stuff.

"That reminds me..." Bayonetta said, ignoring Dante's comment as she searched her pockets. " Devil-boy, I want you to close your eyes and hold out your hand." The devil hunter did just as he was told, he liked surprises. The witch dropped a folded piece of paper in Dante's outstretched hand. "Alright, now you can open your eyes!"

Dante opened his eyes to see the folded paper so he immediately unfolded it. Written in purple ink with little hearts around it was the words 'Dante's Dignity'. There was also a kiss mark at the bottom of the paper. This is the moment our hero's been waiting for since the beginning but Dante wasn't one to savor this moment of victory. "Hey I don't remember my dignity looking anything like this!"

"Y'know I could easily take that away from you again..."

"MY DIGNITY!" Dante exclaimed, his mood immediately switching to a more joyous one, as he hugged the paper close to his chest. He grabbed Bayonetta and pulled her into a hug before planting a kiss on her cheek as a sign of his gratitude.

"Oh my...!" Bayonetta stated a bit surprised at what happened, a light blush on her cheeks. The sound of child-like giggling sounded in the background. Bayonetta looked up to see several Affinity and Decorations laughing at her. The little bastards have no idea of what they're getting themselves into. The witch swore under her breath before taking out her pistols. "Well like I said, I had a wonderful evening. I'll see you around devil-boy!" the witch spoke hastily before going to after the angels.

"Yeah, yeah sure," Dante replied insensitively. He was to busy worshiping his reclaimed dignity and thinking about where he would frame it in his shop. Or better yet, he would tape it to his coat so it would always be with him! Good job Dante!

"I GOT MY DIGNITY!" Dante declared so loud that it caused the windows of several nearby buildings to start shaking. Too bad it also knocked out the hinges holding up his shop's sign causing the 'D' to fall on top of Dante. He should have gotten a professional to to put it up instead of doing it himself , thinking it wouldn't be that hard. This is the price of cheapness.

"At last I've found you!"

Alucard appeared on the scene, his two pistols drawn and looking as crazy as ever. The vampire looked down to see his prey crushed beneath a giant 'D' . "Dammit, he's already dead!" Alucard growled, taking off his hat and tossing it to the ground only for it to jump back up and land on his head. "Why does that only happen when no one's around?!" The vampire grumbled to himself as he walked away unsatisfied. At least he didn't steal Dante's dignity and then he'd have to try and get it back again.

Let's just hope it stays this way for the safety of our hero from no on!

_FIN

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**AN: No Dante's not dead so no worries there! Well personally I don't think this chapter came out as well as the other chapters in terms of humor but that's because this was focused a bit more on being a bit _fluffy _for Dante and Bayonetta. What do you say?**

**I'd like to take this moment to thank the reviewers of this fic: **The White Fang, Lays, Hugh Hellsing, Tora-Katana, t.m.p.a, Revan Bodyguard, Lord of the Moon, Willow-O-Whisper, Sons of Ocelot and Satanic Park of Madness**. I'd also like to thank all those who've faved and added this to their alerts. **

**This is the first fic I've ever finished so I'm really happy with this! Thank you all for helping to make Dantenetta fun and great! **

**Don't forget to review!**


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